This is a true story from my brother’s wedding weekend. I hope you can find some humor in it, because at the time I couldn’t…

So tonight my brother’s finance’s family came over for dinner. As they came over I was eating a pepper I had picked out of the garden. Before I ate it, I sliced the sucker open and scrapped out all the seeds. I ate it no problem and they stood around talking and meeting everyone.

At a lull in the conversation I went to the bathroom to pee. It didn’t even occur to me that I should wash my hands before I put my pepper juiced hands all over my pecker.

I walked out of the bathroom still no problems and continued on socializing. Then slowly like a fire ant from hell my willy and surrounding sack lit up like the heat only a bonfire in death valley could produce. I stopped talking. I stopped smiling. My expression quickly turned to panic.

I got short with my mom when she asked me to run something out to my dad on the grill. I quickly completed that task and ran inside to my phone where I consulted Google on how to ease the burn that I only assumed could be cured by chopping my ramburgler off.

I found several Yahoo answer threads written in all caps pleasing for a solution before the author’s would say something along the lines of, “HELP ME BEFORE I KILL MYSELF!!!” Being in the same situation and feeling the pain I couldn’t help but crack a slight smile despite the discomfort.

Unfortunately, for me the only solution to this problem seemed to be dipping my schlong into some cold milk. So seeing this as my only option, I walked back into the kitchen with a strained smile on my face and poured a glass of milk promptly to take back with me to the bathroom.

In the bathroom I submerged and splashed my woohoo until I could feel the heat start to disapate. It felt so good while submerged, but I quickly realized this releif was only temporary. I had to go back out of the bathroom. So I flushed the milk down and tried my best to keep it together in front of company.

At another break in socializing, maybe 10 minutes later, I gunned it for my parents bathroom as the pain simply was not subsiding. Here I doused my Johnson with as much baby powder as could fit in my pants.

The rest of the night went as good as one could imagine. I suppressed my hell raised longfellow and tried to be cordial. But seriously it started to go away after 45 minutes and I kind of forgot about it, but I will never forget the lesson I learned tonight.

So fellas let this be a warning. Wash your hands before peeing if you’ve dealt with something spicy. You will want to chop your Peter off or at the very least scrub it with some whole milk.