Thoughts

You Never Know if You Never Try

wildboom

This next post is a raw copy and paste out of my journal with some notes in parentheses to add some context.

Well, I failed out of RTAC (pre-ranger course). We had our land nav (Land navigation test – compass, map, and protractor to find points out in the woods) retest today and we woke up at 2am to get ready and eat an MRE (Meal Ready to Eat) before we got on the bus. This day went better than the first and I had two points at a reasonable time in the morning but it took so long to get back to the other side of the course, that by the time I did I did not have time to get the other points.

I was praying the whole time that I would find my points and I was praying that I would pass and God delivered a few points to me right after I was done praying but I guess he has other plans. I was only able to find 2 out of the 5 points. We got back and did hygiene and I started to process that I will probably get dropped. That was a complete bummer. We packed up all our gear and I got offered RTLI (a pre-pre-ranger course designed for basic training students) and then to roll into the next ranger class. I turned that down. It would have put me all the way in September ranger class and I can’t wait that long.

I came to the conclusion that the time had kind of passed for me to put everything into ranger. Had I passed RTAC I wouldn’t have left ranger school until I got my tab, but I just don’t have the heart for the extended pre-ranger timeline at this point knowing I have other opportunities that I am excited about. A year ago I was much more physically ready not having come right out of JRTC (previous training I finished recently) and had nothing else going on and all I wanted to do was go to ranger. At this point, I have a final offer to be a border patrol agent that I’m excited about and is my full-time job opportunity. I am really disappointed in myself for not passing ranger school. However, at the end of the day, God has a plan and before I went to pre-ranger school I was contemplating even going once I got my border patrol offer. This made it clear to me what opportunity I should pursue and honestly I am in such a blessed position to have options that cause such a serious deliberation. So it’s on to the next.

I still can’t help but feel disappointed in myself for failing. I’ve never failed a land navigation course in my army career and this just happened to be the one that meant the most to me. It’s unfortunate, but that’s the way life shakes out sometimes. There is also a part of me that is upset and honestly embarrassed that I told so many people that they wouldn’t see me for months and that I would be gone at ranger school. My company commander, 1SG, battalion, and army peers will probably be disappointed. My family, including my retired ranger uncle, and friends who were praying and rooting for me will be sad for me and also probably a little disappointed as well. I’ll show up at the jiu-jitsu gym and people will ask why I’m back already and I’ll have to explain to all these people that I failed. It’s embarrassing and I was not looking forward to it. Honestly, I’m still not looking forward to that, but I’m getting to a healthier mentality with it. I got closer by thinking about a speech Teddy Roosevelt gave. It’s come to be known as “The Man in the Arena.”

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Yes, I have to deal with my failures and with those who might point them out, but at the end of it all, you never know if you never try. Like Roosevelt said if I’m going to fail I might as well fail while daring greatly. So yes I failed pre-ranger school and ultimately my shot at actual ranger school. It doesn’t mean I can’t dare again, but at this moment in time there are other opportunities for me to get in the arena and that is what I’ll do. Ranger school will still be there and I would like to go back, but at the very least I can hold my head up high knowing that I tried.

You Never Know if You Never Try

JRTC and on to the Next!

wildboom

It’s been a minute since the last update. Since then I’ve been hard at work remodeling our kitchen and working on a motorcycle I bought back in early December. I should have done a better job of taking before and after pictures, but it’s a definite upgrade in functionality and in looks. Below is the only older picture I could find of it next to a shot of the new look. It’s still in progress so I didn’t give you the full look.

The motorcycle got some upgrades like a cellphone charger, LED headlights, and an awesome gear rack in the back. I got a couple of rides out of it, but unfortunately, since then I killed it. I think it’s a more involved engine problem so unfortunately, it’s a problem for future me.

This is a random side story but look at the two pictures below. They are both the same house two years apart. It’s a neighborhood on the rougher east side of Saginaw that I like to walk through from time to time just to get a different perspective. This last time I caught a picture of that house before the full force of Spring had taken over the whole house with ivy. It’s a pretty interesting thing to think about how we humans just came into nature to establish our own dwellings, and how once we are gone nature will take back over. It makes me think about what a city would look like if humans just disappeared.

Besides those projects I spent a fair amount of time on active duty orders preparing my army national guard unit for a bigger summer training at Fort Polk, Louisiana. We just recently finished our rotation at JRTC (Joint Readiness Training Center). I’m actually writing the majority of his post on the backend of the training down here.

JRTC is essentially a simulated combat situation. There is a “box” that you enter to start the simulation. In the box you wear all your gear, in addition, to essentially an industrial level laser tag system. Our whole Brigade was there which is approximately 3,000 soldiers give or take. On our level, it just meant that the timeline for getting missions and guidance took longer than it typically does. Overall, it was hot, there were all sorts of bugs, snakes, and spiders, and even scorpions. It wasn’t the most fun, but we did have a couple of good missions. One mission in particular we were the only company out of the entire Brigade to take a foothold in one of the villages there. I died on that mission, which isn’t unexpected because I actually died four times throughout the rotation. For the sake of the scenario, I just happened to be a very similar replacement! We spent 15 days total in the “box” and lots of lessons learned.

Toward the end of my time in the field, I had a pretty nasty rash on my leg that actually started to grow and swell pretty bad. I toughed it out to stay in the field with my platoon until the end of our time in the box. You can see in the picture above that it got roughly twice the size of the other leg. It wasn’t fluid or anything; just really swollen. After an ultrasound determined it wasn’t a blood clot they theorized it was probably some sort of bug/scorpion/snake bite reaction. I actually had to spend 3 nights in the medical bay confined to elevating my leg while watching movies, which wasn’t the worst thing haha! Eventually, I made it back to our company and helped them close out the last couple of tasks, though I, unfortunately, missed most of the packing up process. We had some leadership meetings and then waited for our day to get out of that miserable humid environment.

We had charted flights to and from Ft. Polk which was a nice experience not having to deal with airport security. Overall, this annual training was over a month long and I spent time at Camp Grayling, Fort Custer, and Fort Polk. One of the highlights was doing the Murph (a workout named after a fallen Soldier) with some of my men on Memorial Day at Fort Custer.

Now, for me, it’s off to Ranger school starting on July 9th. I am glad to have had the tough annual training experience just before to get me in the right mental state. Physically, I am not in as good of shape as I would like, but Ranger school is probably more of a mental battle than anything. I’m a little anxious, but very excited about the opportunity. Ranger school is a challenge that I have been trying to tackle for over a year now and COVID had ruined a couple of my chances, but at last, I’m on the right track. Anxiety-wise, Ranger school has been looming unfinished over my head for too long. That’s why I am so excited to finally get there and get it done. Regardless it will be a tough and grueling experience. Prayers while I am there would be greatly appreciated!

Hopefully, the next blog post will be from a Ranger. God bless!

JRTC and on to the Next!

Ease Quam Videri

wildboom

I’m a little late to the party, but the Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma was making waves when it first came out about the dangers and damage that social media can cause. While there are certainly issues with how social media can influence democracy and affect how people face discrimination, the issue that personally spoke to me was how it’s impacting mental health. Between 2009 and 2017, rates of depression among kids ages 14 to 17 increased by more than 60% with other adolescent age groups experiencing increases nearly as steep.

I feel I have a unique perspective growing up right at the rise of social media as we know it today. When I started high school Instagram, Snapchat, and even Facebook messenger didn’t exist yet. I got my first cell phone right around the beginning of high school and it was one of those cool ones with the slide-out keyboard; a dumbphone. I can remember a specific time in high school where I had a crush on a girl and since I was interested in her I got her phone number and texted her on my sweet slide-out keyboard. I can contrast that directly to a later memory in high school when I was caught up on my smartphone checking different social media apps to see who a girl’s best friends on Snapchat were and how long of a “streak” (how many days in a row you’ve communicated without a break) we had or if she liked my last Instagram picture. In hindsight, I can see how all of these social media platforms complicated what is already an awkward and difficult time in people’s lives. Today’s kids don’t even have the contrast that I had of simply texting a girl on my dumbphone.

“We are a sad generation with happy pictures.”

The quote above is one that I have seen frequently as younger generations, myself included, have become aware of the downfalls of social media. In a lot of ways, social media has robbed us of living in the moment with friends and those around us and replaced it with thoughts of how you are going to share the cool thing you are doing with others on social media so that you seem cool or more fun. We try to seem fun instead of having fun. So much emphasis has been put on our outward appearance that we forget our inward identity. The Latin phrase “Ease quam videri” means “to be, rather than to seem.” I find a lot of beauty in that saying because it’s a reminder that your identity isn’t based on how others see you, but our identity is based on who we truly are and what we believe. That’s why I think it is imperative that, especially adolescents, understand what their beliefs are and how God sees them rather than how Instagram sees them. They need to understand their value is based on their inward identity as a follower of Christ. That’s my biggest piece of advice to those growing up and figuring out who they are in this social media era.

“If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless. But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.”

Philippians 3:4-7

Trying to control your image, through social media and even before it existed, breeds a sense of superiority since it is most often done out of pride. It doesn’t matter that Paul seemed like the perfect follower of God because what he actually was was something different. Paul rejected Jesus as his Savior and even persecuted his followers. To the world he seemed like a righteous man, but it was the opposite in God’s eyes. It wasn’t until on that road to Damascus that Paul’s eyes were opened and he saw Jesus’s love. His identity had completely changed as, through God’s grace, he turned from his old identity to a new one as God’s servant. When I consider how God treated Paul, a persecutor of his own Son, I am in complete awe. If God can take someone who was completely against him and use him instead for his plan of salvation than how much more could use your or me? Consider that when you think of your outward identity. Just as Paul’s persona as a righteous man would have led to hell, in the same way the amount of likes or comments on your post can’t save you either. However, are a child of God and his tool in this sinful world with the opportunity to share his love to advance his plan of salvation regardless of how many followers you have or likes you get. Know you have your true identity in Jesus!

People say that life was simpler before social media and the internet and I tend to agree, but that doesn’t mean that those platforms are evil. If we start to feel as though our identities are being defined by social media then that is a good opportunity for us to look at how that compares to our true identity in Jesus. Social media may very well be a platform for us to continue Gods plan of salvation by sharing his love, but that is the perspective we must continually be considering when posting and browsing through content. It is so easy to get caught up in how we want to appear and to get caught peering down the rabbit hole of worldly living as we browse, but social media is not what we are. It’s a shallow outward appearance without depth. It is so often the highlights and never the bad times. So next time you go to use social media remember that you don’t have to “seem” a certain way because you know who you are; a loved and forgiven child of God.

“Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

1 Peter 3:3-4

Recently I have felt so convicted by times I was chasing after what other people deemed as important and by my own selfish living that I rejoice that God has brought me to this spot in my life. 2020 was not an easy year for me, as for many, but it was through these struggles that God put me on my back so that I could finally start looking up. God is showing me that His plans are greater than mine and that he has a reason for everything. Through all these struggles I have been praying more than I have ever had. I hope to continue that in the new year and, in line with this post, I also hope to use social media less and more intentionally when I do. I pray that you remember how Jesus sees you rather than how social media does. God bless!

Ease Quam Videri